"The Dynasty Report"
Well... August surely was the BUSIEST month in The Dynasty's existence thus far. Imagine the pleasure I must've been feeling... TWO HPW shows to terrorize! Ahhhhhh... how sweet it is! On Friday, August 11th, the HPW was in Gnaw Bone, Indiana. Is there someone who can give me a logical explanation as to why ANYONE would name a town Gnaw Bone? Never have I seen such a bunch of inbred, welfare-leeching, uneducated, backwards hillbillies in all my life! The whole town should be fumigated... but then, that would eliminate the entire population of the town, wouldn't it? Hmmmm... not a bad idea! Anyway, Jerry Wilson thought it amusing to actually make Dave Dynasty WRESTLE! But what Wilson, and everyone else, fails to recognize is that Dave Dynasty is just as much a superior athlete, as he is a managerial genius! So I welcome the opportunity to show-up some lesser peons. But little did I know that Wilson would stick me in the ring with two of the most unkempt, smelly, slovenly goofs in the HPW... Scotty "I Need Some" Lovins and Chip "Not So" Studly, The Hollywood Swingers. That's right, Wilson put me and "Outlaw" Jesse Houston against The Swingers. I shudder to even think about coming within smelling distance of those two morons, much less climbing into the ring with them! But let me make a long story short... me and Jesse Houston DOMINATED the match! Of course, I knew we would! But poor officiating, and endless cheating by The Swingers, lead to them somehow scraping a win out over The Dynasty! The referee, however, completely misunderstood me! He seems to have thought that I said "I quit" to the Scotty Lovins Boston crab. However, I was merely pointing out that his shoe was untied! Uneducated slob. Another case of the conspiracy against The Dynasty! I later accompanied Lonny Lee to the ring... but you know what? I don't seem to recall the match! Some people have told me some fairy tale about Lonny getting pinned by Bobo Brazil Jr. And there are even stories about Psycho being at ringside, and attacking me, putting me in his "Straighjacket" crossface submission. I don't seem to recall that though... must be the generations of inbredding in Gnaw Bone causing birth defects! Oh well! So then on Saturday, August 12th, we return to the hick-home of the HPW... good ol' Columbus, Indiana. And on this night, I would returning to my usual managerial duties (feels good to put the tie back on!) leading Jesse Houston and Lonny Lee to the ring for their matches! Now, as Houston battled The Renegade, there was a bit of confusion. You see, some people had the nerve to claim that I tried to hit Renegade with a chain! Please... Dave Dynasty NEVER interfers in a match! I merely saw that Jesse Houston had beaten Renegade to the verge of unconsciousness. I was merely going to give Renegade a little slap across the face to wake him up... after all, Houston wanted to inflict some more punishment! But Renegade was even more out of it than I thought. He had been beaten so senseless, that he could not even stand on his own! And obviously, Jesse Houston couldn't hold Renegade up... afterall, have you ever tried to hold the weight of a beached whale? So Renegade fell to the mat, and I instead, and once again inadvertantly, slapped Jesse Houston instead. And since, like I said before, Dave Dynasty is a superior athlete, there is no confusion as to why the slap stunned Houston. But there was not... and I repeat NOT a chain involved! Now, some people claim they saw me drop a chain after I hit, I mean slapped, Jesse Houston. All I can say is the lights must've been playing tricks on your eyes! But wouldn't you know... as Houston was stunned from the slap, Renegade came to life. He must've gotten a smell of his own body odor... whew! That would wake up a corpse! And then the big bald goof had the nerve to lay his hands on me! Renegade... NOBODY puts their hands on me! Renegade poweslammed me to the mat, then proceeded to do the same to Jesse Houston! Unbelievable! Renegade... you'll pay. I'm looking into hiring some "protection" for The Dynasty... and when I do, you'll be the first to feel it's wrath! But, being the superior athlete that I told you I was, I was able to regroup and come to the ring with Lonny Lee for his match against Psycho. Psycho... now there's a half-brained, dim-witted moron if I ever saw one! But you know what... I don't recall this match either! Last thing I remember, I was in the ring, with Psycho, and was about to knock him out cold with a right hand. But he grabbed me and then... well... the rest I don't recall. Next thing I remember I was back in the locker room with Lonny Lee and Jesse Houston. I must've blacked out from the shock of being in the ring with a moron like Psycho. Not a big deal... Renegade, Psycho, Hollywood Swingers, Jerry Wilson, and EVERYBODY else that steps in my path will all suffer. I am destined to control the HPW... and none of you can change that! Later fools...
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